Weird fanmail

Wow, it has been a long time since I responded to my fanmail. I think the last time was even before I left for Guatemala. I guess there has just been so much…

Matthew Root, former Commy strongman, writes:

Dear Jordan, I love reading everything that you write about on your blog and I am disappointed by your lack of entries in the month of February. While struggle to write a my seminar paper this year, I just can´t help but think about your seminar paper and how good it was. Anyways, my insightful question is, How are you?

Man Matthew, I had thought that Penny Moon´s absence from your life this semester would help raise your self esteem, I guess not. I suppose she is not the only one who makes fun of your ridiculous hair. As for your question, my insightful answer is that I am good and happy.

Peter the Great , Russian Tzar, writes:

Dear Jordan, I can´t believe you are still in Guatemala amongst all those Catholics and Mayans. Anyways, I heard from a friend that you have grown a ¨really manly beard,¨ is that true? Don´t you know that all the cool people shave? I banned beards in Russia in my time so that we could move up in the world. Obviously you have been infected infected by that creole curse (just by being born in America), making you inferior and doomed to always be behind us Europeans of pure blood.

First of all, Peter, today people make fun of you for your ridiculous beard tax. Beards have nothing to do with anything. Second of all, if you look at any mural of the Spanish conquest (who are way more European than Russia is) all the Spanish had beards. Duh! Third of all, I think you starting this no beard thing for Russians has started it on an irrevocably self destructive path. Putin, current leader of Russia is beardless, and he is obviously sub-consciously suffering from a beard inferiority complex and is trying naively to try and assert Russian power in Europe through strong arm military and economic pressure which will, in the end, only make Europeans that much likely to reject Russians as Europeans. So your beard policy has, in effect, had the opposite effect from what you were hoping.

…. Anyways, My beard is only ¨really manly¨ if you think of it in comparison to the facial hair exhibited by people such as Kyle and Alex Unruh (Alex can still pass off as a High Schooler). Thankfully, because of my close contact with these two very special people, I can feel kind of good about myself. I have also run into some envious Guatemalans. It is not full (some parts are thicker than others), and it is strangely blond, but I think that in a few years a beard might not actually be a bad look for me. The experiment has been worthwhile.

Moctezuma, last Aztec Emperor, writes

Hahaha, silly European blooded, weak stomached ¨American,¨ I have read your entries on Diarrhea, and I couldn´t be more happy. Remember the small pox that killed between 60 and 80 percent of my people while your ¨conquistadores¨ played us for fools and ¨conquered¨ us here in America. Well I´ve got news for you! I´m back and your loose bowel movements are my doing…. Let every traveler to America beware, I am alive and well!

Thanks Moctezuma for trying to keep a 500 year old fight alive in your letter. Actually, my stomach has been doing quite well here. I finally had about 24 hours of diarrhea about a week ago, but it wasn´t too bad. I want you to know, Moctezuma, that you really don´t need to be trying to take out your revenge anymore. In some ways you´ve won. There are a lot of Mayans still around me. Richard Rodiguez in his insightful book Days of Obligation writes about how he sees ¨Indian faces¨ everywhere, but wonders, ¨Where are the conquistadores?¨. The virgin, La Virgen de Guadalupe appeared to an indigenous person, and now, the strongest base of Catholocism in the world is characterized as exhibiting very strong ¨folk¨tendency, that is, they do things that aren´t Catholic per se… it is their own religion, not the Popes. Maybe you should start focusing on my productive things than amebas.

Jordan
ps: I recently received peanut butter and nutella in the mail. Bannanas with peanut butter and nutella is delicious. Tortillas with PB and Nutella is delicious. Soon I will try putting all four together, and it will be delicious....

FAN MAIL

Well, I guess it's time we start a fan mail question and answer section.

Kyle from Kansas writes:
Hey, I was just wondering when you’re heading out for whatever the first step is in your MCC journey*

Well, Kyle, first of all, I really want to thank you for your generous support and enthusiasm for my blog. It's fans like you from which I draw my inspiration. I'll try and send you that autographed huipile soon. To answer your question though, I am leaving at 10 pm Friday evening for a week long orientation in Akron Pennsylvania. There I will meet up with former BC studs Peter Miller, Joel Krehbiel, and Caley Ortman. I also expect to see Andrea from Cambodia that some from my family may remember.

Jake from South Dakota writes:
Hey man, UR blog is AWESOME! I'm already super psyched about Guatemala and you are not even there yet! U R flipping amazing dude. I hope you are having an awesome time packing all your stuff in order to get ready for Central America.


Wow, Jake, your enthusiasm is a little bit scary. I am almost done with a pre-pack test. I think I can get all that I want into one large hiking bag, another medium size hiking bag, and my miniature green backpack.I could probably leave in 30 minutes and have everything I needed. SO I'm pretty happy about that. I'm bringing more nice clothes than I ever had in Kansas because, as a teacher, I will need to look semi-sharp. Right now I think I only have four T-shirts packed (3 being Run for Relief shirts), which is probably a record low for me. I literally have a dresser drawer and another medium sized duffel bag full of T-shirts here at home... and that's after giving away many T-Shirts back at school. I will usually pack 4 T-Shirts for a weekend trip. However, they say that there are lots of cheap clothes shops in Guatemala, so I figure I'll buy some shirts there and save space in my bags here. The main concern is really that I have enough underwear that I have 100% confidence in.

Peter the Great (1682-1725) from Russia writes:
Jordan, I see you are going on some travels of your own there, from the so called "United States" to a region of Spanish America which you call "Guatemala." Now as I recall, the captaincy of Guatemala (1609) was (in the Spanish administrative ladder) at the southernmost point of the vast territory designated a part of the viceroyalty New Spain. Beneath that began the viceroyalty of Peru, where I hear you have also spent a fair amount of time in the capital of Quito. Now I can understand Quito, being a center for Spanish administration, but I mean, you've gotta be kidding about Guatemala! That place is a backwater, I hear the Spanish have hardly conquered this area and even just to the North, in the Yucatan, the descendants of the ancient Mayan civilization is resisting religious and political domination (see Ambivalent Conquest)... no matter how many heathen ancient Mayan texts the Spanish burn.

In my own secretive journey through Europe I hit all the major centers learning and technology in order to help my backward Russia westernize. Now from your use of English, I gather your "United States" must be some part of the ever growing English empire. As a side note, in my day, I helped along Russia's dreams for empire by finally gaining a warm water port from which our great ships could begin to take part in the long distance trade that was driving the advance of capitalism throughout Europe. Long distance trade was very important, being a major factor in the advancement of banks, credit, bills of exchange, industry, investment, joint-stock companies, stock-exchanges etc etc. see The Wheels of Commerce v. 2 by Braudel. Anyways, in my journey through Europe I learned many great ways to improve my home country of Russia. I instituted a Table or Ranks to gain absolute control of the stupid aristocracy (kind of like Louis XIV in France) and instituted a tax on beards... all to push us towards Westernization. I may have had to, shall we say, crack a few heads to do it, but seriously, before I took over, you couldn't swing a dead cat in Russia without hitting someone with a beard.

So my question to you is, why go to a backwater of the Spanish empire? I mean Spain is already in decline, we all know about the English defeat of the "Armada Invencible" in 1598... I mean, read the writing on the wall, Spain is out! How are you going to learn to make your "United States" a great and powerful nation from an uncivilized speck within the failing Spanish Empire? I mean coooooome on!

Well Peter, first of all I have to say that I was supremely shocked and excited to get your email. That was really great. The United States is actually already a pretty powerful place, so, unlike you, I'm actually not going on a quest to learn from Guatemala in order to make the United States more powerful. Still, I think that there is a lot that we Westerners can learn from "backwater" and "uncivilized" places like Guatemala. Just because western society has come to dominate the world with a combination of military might and economic control doesn't mean that our ideas and cultural assumptions are somehow right, or truthful. I believe I can learn a lot from these people, descended (at least in part) from the Maya. You might not believe it, but in the year 2008, your enlightenment ideal of progress has been sort of debunked. Most don't believe that all civilizations must advance on one straight and arrow path in order to reach an elusive goal of perfection. Those ideas were built upon a racist ideology (like the one that you obviously hold) that placed western civilization as the pinnacle of development. Today, we'd call you a "racist" and a "ruthless dictator" and nations like the United States might invade you in order to save your people (and take control of your vast oil reserves). "Cracking heads" is not acceptable anymore... wait a second...wellll that's what they say anyways...

well, we can continue this conversation later... I got kind of carried away there. Thank you for your fan mail Peter the Great.

thanks to all the fans,

Jordan


*names, places, and questions in "FAN MAIL" posts may be changed or simply made up for the safety of the fans or to keep up the exciting nature of this blog.